By now, we are all familiarized with the term FOMO, the fear of missing out. There’s even a café in Dubai called FOMO (Go figure).
But have you heard of FODO? AKA The fear of disappointing others.
While not as popular as FOMO, FODO is arguably more dangerous and has long-term consequences for relationships, work, and life. Often, chronic stress, anxiety, overwhelm, and even burnout are driven primarily by FODO.
FODO: A chronic case of having no boundaries
We’ve all faced it.
Your CEO walks to you and says he wants you to take up a new project. Everything is fine until he piles more work to the point it’s easy to see you are overwhelmed. But, the most important person here isn’t saying anything.
In fact, instead of saying no to more work, you say yes because you’re so afraid of disappointing your CEO.
Now take this situation and rise and repeat in all aspects of life and what you have is a person so filled with anxiety and fear, a person struggling so much but still unwilling to speak up.
So why does this happen?
Basically, the foundation of FODO is a lack of healthy boundary setting. That’s why you get work piled on you and that’s a part of why you get anxious.
Simply put, FODO is when you get stressed out because you’re unwilling to say no since you’re afraid someone will feel disappointed with you.
Time to master your fears
The only way to replace excessive fear is to prove to your fretful mind that the thing you’re afraid of isn’t that scary. And it’s not an easy thing to unlearn as anyone who’s conquered a fear of public speaking will attest to.
These are some tips I’ve picked up that sometimes help manage my FODO.
Analyse the cost of disappointing others and your fear
The more you spend time actually analyzing your feelings and the thoughts that generate these feelings, you’ll realize that you’re basically behaving like you have a splinter in your finger. Your choices are to keep it and suffer or to pull it out. The same analogy applies to your fears of disappointing others. Ask yourself, are you causing undue suffering, and would it be resolved if you just bit the bullet and said no?
Reality Check #1:
You are going to hurt feelings. You know why? Because everyone has different value systems. And if you want your life to reflect your values, inevitably, some people won’t like you.
Reality Check #2
When people don’t like you, nothing actually happens. Seriously. Nothing. So let it go.
FODO is a puppy, not a rabid wolf
If you’re going to get over your fear of disappointing others, you’re going to have to face that fear head-on. This means you’re going to have to willingly feel afraid and tolerate that feeling for a while. Our feelings are, for most of the part, uncomfortable but not dangerous.
Reframe your fear as uncomfortable but not dangerous, and you’ll be a little more likely to tolerate it instead of impulsively trying to avoid it.
Start small when disappointing others.
If you’re training for a triathlon, you wouldn’t immediately jump straight in. You’d start small with running a smaller marathon or increasing the laps you can do.
You can take the same approach with your FODO. Start small. Set some boundaries and then say no to small things. If you’re working and someone calls you for coffee, politely decline. Dead tired and someone wants to hangout?
Just say no.
You can do this. You CAN disappoint people and live.
Often, it’s our fear of disappointing others that causes us undue stress, fatigue, and anxiety. Now I will not say all the tips are going to work immediately. It will take time, but I hope in the end, you have greater control of your life.
